What It Really Means to Set Healthy Boundaries (And Why It’s So Hard)

Jan 12

The Short Version

Boundaries are about self-definition, not controlling others.
Healthy boundaries protect your time, energy, emotions, and values.
Boundaries exist on a spectrum: rigid, porous, and healthy/flexible.
Setting boundaries is hard because of people-pleasing, fear of rejection, FOMO, perfectionism, and past experiences.
Clear, flexible boundaries strengthen relationships rather than harm them.

With the rising popularity of social media and mental wellness conversations, you’ve likely heard the word boundaries more times than you can count—on your social feeds, from a medical provider, or in conversations with friends. The term has almost become synonymous with therapy or mental health. It’s everywhere.

But what does it actually mean? And what does it really look like to set boundaries in real life?

Let’s break it down.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the personal limits that define how you interact with others and how others interact with you. They reflect your values, needs, and capacity, and help you determine what feels safe, respectful, and sustainable in your relationships. When practiced consistently, boundaries support both emotional and physical well-being, while also protecting your time, energy, and personal resources.

Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Intimacy, describes boundaries as an act of self-definition. Rather than attempting to control another person’s behavior, boundaries focus on clarifying what you are responsible for and how you choose to show up.

In practice, boundaries are expressed through your actions and decisions. Not demands. They help reduce resentment, increase self-respect, and create space for more honest and authentic connection. Emotions like frustration or anger often serve as internal signals that a boundary may be needed.

Types of Boundaries

Rigid boundaries function like emotional walls. They are inflexible limits that leave little room for nuance or connection. They are often adopted as a form of self-protection, especially after experiences of hurt, burnout, or betrayal. While they can prevent immediate harm, they may also limit closeness and collaboration.
Example:
You decide that you will not engage in any work-related communication outside of set hours. Even when an occasional exception could be reasonable, you keep the rule absolute because bending it feels unsafe or overwhelming.
Rigid boundaries can feel stabilizing and clear, but over time they may create emotional distance or missed opportunities for connection. They are most helpful in high-risk or non-negotiable situations, such as prioritizing sobriety, safety, or recovery, where consistency is essential.
Porous boundaries are loose and inconsistent, making it difficult to separate your own needs and emotions from those of others. People with porous boundaries often prioritize keeping the peace, even when it comes at a personal cost.
Example:
Someone frequently reaches out to you for emotional support, and although you feel drained and need rest, you continue to make yourself available because you don’t want to seem uncaring or risk disappointing them.
When boundaries are porous, individuals may find themselves taking on emotional responsibility that isn’t theirs. This can show up as:
- Difficulty saying no
- Heightened sensitivity to others’ moods
- Fear that asserting needs will lead to rejection or conflict
Healthy boundaries are clear and flexible. They are intentional, adaptable, and grounded in self-awareness. They allow you to remain connected to others while still honoring your limits, values, and capacity.
Most everyday boundaries fall somewhere between rigid and porous.
Example:
You let someone know you’re willing to offer support, but you also communicate when you need to pause or revisit the conversation later so you can take care of yourself.
Rather than being rigid or overly accommodating, healthy boundaries balance respect for yourself with consideration for others. They make relationships more sustainable by reducing resentment and increasing clarity and trust.
What Boundaries Are Not
Boundaries are often misunderstood, which can make them feel uncomfortable or confrontational. Clarifying what boundaries are not can help reduce guilt and confusion.
Boundaries are not:
- Instructions or commands for others: They don’t exist to control someone else’s behavior, but to clarify what you will and won’t participate in.
- Threats or ultimatums:A boundary isn’t about punishment or leverage; it’s about protecting your well-being and following through on your choices.
- Emotional walls: Healthy boundaries still allow for closeness, care, and communication. They simply define the conditions under which those things can happen.
- A measure of love or loyalty: Setting a boundary doesn’t mean you care less; it means you are being honest about your limits.
- Up for negotiation once decided: While discussion can happen, your boundaries don’t require approval, consensus, or justification.

Why Setting Boundaries Is So Hard

For many people, difficulty setting boundaries isn’t about a lack of knowledge. It’s about deeply ingrained beliefs, values, and learned patterns.

Often, the behaviors that make boundaries challenging are rooted in strengths. However, when those strengths are overused, boundaries begin to erode.

Common reasons boundaries feel difficult include:

Fear of missing out (FOMO): The worry that saying no means missing opportunities for growth, connection, recognition, or enjoyment. While this desire reflects curiosity and engagement, taken to an extreme it can lead to chronic overcommitment and constant busyness.
Fear of disappointing or hurting others: Many people are taught that being agreeable is more important than being honest. Avoiding boundaries may preserve short-term harmony, but often leads to resentment and emotional exhaustion over time.
Past experiences with guilt or shame: If you’ve been criticized or made to feel selfish for asserting yourself in the past, setting boundaries now can feel risky. These experiences can teach you that self-advocacy leads to negative consequences.
Perfectionism and over-responsibility: You may believe that saying no signals failure, weakness, or inadequacy. While high standards and conscientiousness can be strengths, taken too far they often result in overextension and chronic stress.

It’s Important to Remember…

Avoiding boundaries may keep the peace in the short term, but it often leads to resentment, burnout, and emotional distance.
Saying no is uncomfortable for most people because we want harmony and approval, but discomfort doesn’t mean you’re being unkind.
Many of us were taught that boundaries are selfish, which makes people-pleasing difficult to unlearn.
Past experiences with guilt or conflict can make self-advocacy feel risky, even when it’s necessary.
Conscientiousness and high standards are strengths, but without boundaries, they can turn into chronic overextension and pressure to prove your worth.

Setting boundaries isn’t about becoming less caring. It’s about becoming more intentional.

In the next blog, we’ll explore practical strategies for setting and maintaining healthy boundaries without guilt.

With Care,

Ronelle

Jackson Therapy & Consulting | Omaha, NE

Ready to take the next step toward greater emotional balance and meaningful growth? At Jackson Therapy & Consulting, we specialize in personalized individual therapy, intensive therapeutic support, family intensives, and professional consultation designed to help you navigate trauma, relational challenges, life transitions, and more with evidence-based strategies and compassionate care.

Discover how our approach can support your healing journey. Explore our services or book a free consultation today to begin moving from stuck to empowered.