Why Does My Grief Feel Invisible & How Can I Heal?

Written By Ronelle Jackson

Grief is surfacing in all of my conversations—both personal and professional. I hear friends reminiscing about children who would now be in their tweens. Others are navigating the heartache of infertility. Clients are mourning the loss of parents in cases whether death was expected and sudden. Some are witnessing the slow, devastating changes in loved ones transformed by terminal illness. A few of my colleagues provide a steady presence in their office for first responders as they confront trauma and loss on a weekly basis. 

Grief is heavy.

Relentless.

Unavoidable.

All of us will encounter grief during our lifespan. We often measure our pain against others’, wondering if we’re feeling ‘enough.’ And yet, even in its inevitability, grief can make us question ourselves. Why does my pain feel smaller, or bigger, than someone else’s?

A phrase I often hear in sessions is, “Ronelle, my grief isn’t as bad as my friends’.” This is a misconception. 

Grief is not a competition. Each experience is unique. Every thought, emotion, and reaction is valid. Knowledge and reflection empower us to honor our own stories, to understand our experiences, and ultimately, to navigate them with intention and compassion.

What is grief?

Grief is the emotional response to loss.There is no predictable timeline, no orderly path; emotional ups and downs are not only normal but expected. It encompasses the feelings and reactions we have to real, perceived, or even anticipated losses. These emotions can range from anger, frustration, and loneliness to sadness, guilt, regret, and sometimes even peace. Grief affects us physically, psychologically, socially, and spiritually.Researchers have identified different types of grief, along with its stages and the four tasks of mourning.

However, in this post, I want to focus on disenfranchised grief, in hopes to offer insight into your own journey through one of life’s most profound and universal experiences.

What is Disenfranchised Grief? 

Disenfranchised grief is silent. 

Overlooked. 

Misunderstood. 

It refers to the kind of grief that cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported. Whether we like to admit it or not, there are relationships that go unrecognized, deaths that are stigmatized, and social expectations that make some feel they don’t have the 'right' to grieve.

The absence of recognition can deepen feelings of isolation and that can make the journey even harder. 

Examples include: 

  1. Unacknowledged relationships: Losing a pet, an ex-spouse, a close coworker, or a friend.

  2. Societally sensitive losses: Miscarriage, stillbirth, or abortion—losses often left unspoken.

  3. Stigmatized causes of death: Suicide, overdose, or a death in a relationship society doesn’t recognize.

  4. Loss of self or health: The fading of a personality due to dementia, or the loss of a body part.

  5. Losses not considered significant: The death of a parent of a child’s friend, missed milestones, changes in employment, or shifts in financial security.

Why Disenfranchised Grief Matters 

Disenfranchised grief matters because it can leave us feeling invisible, misunderstood, and alone. Just because a loss isn’t publicly recognized doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Ignoring it can deepen isolation, make emotions feel confusing, and complicate the grieving process.

Acknowledging your grief—any grief—validates your experience and gives you permission to heal on your own terms. 

How Disenfranchised Grief Shows Up

This kind of grief can take many forms. You might mourn a miscarriage or stillbirth quietly, grieve the death of a friend or coworker others deem “less significant,” or struggle with the loss of your health or sense of self.

You may hide your sadness to avoid judgment or feel guilt and shame for grieving what others dismiss. Disenfranchised grief can feel heavy, confusing, and isolating—but it is no less real.


Coping with Disenfranchised Grief: A Reflection Exercise

Even if your grief isn’t publicly recognized, you can honor it. Try this simple step-by-step exercise to connect with your emotions and begin processing your loss:

Step 1: Find a quiet space
Sit somewhere comfortable, free from distractions. Take a few deep breaths to ground yourself.

Step 2: Identify your loss
Write down the loss you’re grieving; even if others might consider it “small” or invisible. Be specific.

Step 3: Name your emotions
List the feelings associated with this loss. Anger, sadness, guilt, confusion, relief—whatever comes up. Don’t judge yourself for what you feel.

Step 4: Reflect on the impact
Write a few sentences about how this loss has affected your life—your routines, relationships, or sense of self.

Step 5: Give yourself permission
Write a statement affirming your right to grieve, for example:
“My grief is real. My loss matters. I allow myself to feel and honor this experience.”

Step 6: Close with a ritual of acknowledgment
This could be lighting a candle, saying the name of what you’ve lost aloud, or simply taking a deep breath and placing your hand over your heart.

This exercise is a small but powerful way to validate your grief, even when the world may not. Repeat it as often as you need.

Honoring Your Grief

Grief is heavy. Relentless. Unseen.
It does not follow rules. It does not ask permission. It does not wait for recognition.

Disenfranchised grief reminds us that some losses are invisible, some pain is dismissed, and some journeys are misunderstood. And yet—your grief is real. Your loss matters.

You can name it. You can feel it. You can honor it. You can hold space for it, even when no one else does. In that acknowledgment, in that recognition, you reclaim your story. You find connection. You find understanding. You find a way forward.

Grief may be inescapable. But it can also be witnessed. It can also be held. It can also be survived.

With care, 

Ronelle 

Citations: 

Ronelle Jackson
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