What’s Your Attachment Style?

Oct 31

Ever find yourself overthinking a friend’s text? Maybe you’re the friend who checks in first every time.
Or the sibling who needs space after family conflict.
Or maybe you’ve wondered why you go from “I’m totally fine being single” to “Why didn’t they text back??” in about 3 seconds flat?

Yeah, I get it. Those patterns aren’t random. We categorize them into attachment styles which describe the emotional wiring you developed from your earliest relationships.

They shape how we connect, care, and sometimes accidentally make relationships more complicated than they need to be.

What is attachment?

Attachment is universal. Attachment is your internal blueprint for connection.

Think of it as how you learned to do closeness. Everyone has an attachment history and ongoing patterns in relationships.

From your earliest relationships (parents, caregivers, siblings), you picked up cues like:

Do people show up when I need them?
Is it safe to express emotions?
Do I have to be “easy” or “independent” to be loved?
Is it safe to depend on someone?
Will I be loved if I’m my full, messy self?

Those early lessons shape what psychologists call your attachment style: a pattern for how you navigate connection, comfort, and conflict. Think of it like your emotional default setting.

Across studies, about 60% of people develop a secure attachment, while 25% are avoidant, and roughly 15% are anxious or disorganized (Ainsworth et al., 1978; YouGov, 2023).

There are four main styles. Most people are a mix.

1. Secure: “I Got You, You Got Me”

If you grew up with consistent care and emotional safety, you likely internalized the idea that relationships can be both safe and flexible.

You might:

Ask for help when you need it (and offer it back)
Handle conflict without assuming it’s the end of the relationship
Feel comfortable setting boundaries with friends or family
Trust people easily (but not blindly)
Communicate directly

Secure people learned early that relationships can be steady and that mistakes don’t mean rejection. They learned early on that love is consistent; people leave sometimes, but connection doesn’t always mean chaos.

Secure attachment has been linked to higher life satisfaction, better emotional regulation, and stronger support networks (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2019).

Remember that not everyone grew up with the same sense of safety.

Your calmness can be grounding, but others may need more reassurance.

2. Anxious: “Do You Still Care About Me?”

If you crave closeness but fear rejection, this might sound familiar. Your inner monologue could be something like:

“They read my text… why aren’t they responding? Did I do something wrong?”

You notice every shift in tone or delay in response, and your brain starts spinning stories. You’re tuned in to relationships…maybe too tuned in sometimes.

You might:

Overthink small things (“They said ‘k’ instead of ‘okay’”)
Feel uneasy when someone pulls away

Worry when a friend cancels plans (“Are they mad at me?”)
Feel hurt if someone doesn’t check in as much as you do
Offer a lot of emotional support and hope it’s reciprocated

This isn’t about being “clingy.” Your nervous system is wired to seek closeness as safety. When people feel far away, it can trigger old fears of being forgotten or left out.

Try pausing before reaching out for reassurance. Ask what you need at that moment. Sometimes safety can come from self-soothing instead of external validation.

People with anxious attachment report higher daily stress and lower positive mood compared to secure individuals (Frontiers in Psychology, 2015).

3. Avoidant: “I’m Fine, Really.”

You value independence. Letting people in feels risky. You might keep things light, avoid asking for help, or withdraw when others get too close.

You might:

Pull back when friends get too close or emotional
Need space after conflict
Prefer solving things solo rather than asking for help

Downplay your own emotions (and sometimes others’)

Pride yourself on being “low-maintenance”

Avoidant attachment often develops when depending on others felt uncertain. Somewhere along the way, you learned that being self-sufficient was safer than being vulnerable. You’re not “cold.” You just built strong armor.

Avoidant attachment correlates with lower perceived social support and a tendency to suppress emotion in stressful situations (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2016).

Connection doesn’t have to mean losing yourself.

Safety builds gradually.

Try sharing small things first: a thought, a feeling, a “hey, I’m having a rough day.” Vulnerability can exist in doses that still feel safe.

4. Disorganized: “Come Close… But Don’t.”

This style can feel like an internal tug-of-war. It combines both anxious and avoidant patterns. You crave connection and fear it. You want closeness, but it can also feel overwhelming or unsafe.

You might:

Swing between needing people and pushing them away
Feel flooded by strong emotions in conflict
Have relationships (family, friends, partners) that feel chaotic or unpredictable
Struggle to trust consistency from others

Insecure-disorganized attachment has been linked to higher stress, chronic health issues, and emotional dysregulation (PubMed, 2024; South African Health Survey).

Safety starts with regulation. Slowing down your reactions and finding trustworthy connections can rewire how you relate.

Focus on small, consistent experiences of safety. Whether that’s a calm conversation, a steady friendship, or therapy. You can rewire how your brain processes connection.

What Do You Do With This?

Knowing your attachment style isn’t about self-diagnosis - it’s about pattern recognition.

It isn’t about putting yourself in a box. It’s about seeing the patterns with compassion.

You might start to notice:

The thoughts that say “I’m too much” or “I don’t need anyone”
When you withdraw from family calls to avoid being overwhelmed
When you feel safest keeping your feelings to yourself
When you avoid hard talks to keep the peace
When silence feels like rejection

Those aren’t flaws. They’re coping strategies that once protected you. Awareness lets you decide which ones still serve you. and which you can release.

Awareness doesn’t fix everything, but it opens the door. It lets you choose curiosity instead of autopilot.

A meta-analysis found that secure attachment is positively linked to post-traumatic growth (r = 0.21, p < 0.001), meaning that the more safety and support we internalize, the better we adapt to stress and change (PubMed, 2021).

Rewriting the Story

You want to know the best news? Your style isn’t fixed. It’s flexible!

It isn’t a label. It’s a map.

It shows where you came from and how you might find steadier ground in the connections you build now.

Every safe friendship, honest boundary, or moment of being truly seen can teach your nervous system that connection can be safe.

You’re not “too much,” or “too needy” or “bad at relationships.”

You’re just learning what safety feels like in real time.

Understanding attachment is a lifelong process. Each relationship (past, present, or future) offers new opportunities to practice safety, connection, and independence at your own pace.

Reflection prompt:
What relationships have taught you the most about safety, connection, or independence?

Until next time,

Ronelle

What’s Your Attachment Style?

What is attachment?

1. Secure: “I Got You, You Got Me”

2. Anxious: “Do You Still Care About Me?”

3. Avoidant: “I’m Fine, Really.”

4. Disorganized: “Come Close… But Don’t.”

What Do You Do With This?

Rewriting the Story

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