When You’re the Problem

Oct 20

Ever feel like you’re in a constant argument with yourself? One part of you wants to thrive while the other just wants to scroll TikTok and avoid that email you’ve been dreading.

If that sounds familiar, welcome. This post is for the people who know what it’s like when your brain feels like both your biggest cheerleader and your worst enemy.

What Even Is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is when you get in your own way (consciously or not). You’ve got the skills, the plan, maybe even the motivation… yet somehow you end up doing the exact opposite of what helps you succeed.

Dr. Ryan S. Sultan, a psychiatrist at Columbia University, describes it as “behaviors or thoughts that keep you from what you desire most.” In other words, it’s the mental tug-of-war between wanting success and fearing it.

This can look like:

Procrastinating until the last second
Overthinking every move until you freeze
Talking yourself out of applying for that job, committee or conference presenter
Starting (and abandoning) side projects

Why We Do It

1. Fear of Failure
Sometimes we’d rather not try than risk failing. Avoiding the task gives short-term relief but keeps us stuck long-term.

2. Low Self-Esteem
If deep down you don’t believe you deserve good things, you might unconsciously block them. You can’t lose a race you never run, right?

3. Perfectionism
If it can’t be perfect, why bother? That mindset leads to procrastination, burnout, and a ton of unfinished Google Docs.

4. Old Wounds

Unresolved trauma can make us repeat familiar patterns of failure. It’s not about weakness; it’s your brain trying (and failing) to protect you from pain.

I’m no stranger to any of this. From perfectionism to procrastination, I’ve been there. If you’ve ever felt like you’re watching yourself hit the self-destruct button in slow motion, same. That’s why understanding how this cycle works is so important.

The Self-Sabotage Cycle

It usually starts with a trigger. Like a tough project or a reminder of a past flop. That sparks anxiety or self-doubt, which makes us avoid the thing.

The avoidance feels good for a minute but it reinforces the fear which keeps us trapped in the same loop.

Here is How You Break It

1. Notice Your Patterns
You can’t fix what you don’t see. Journaling, voice notes or venting to a friend can help you spot when you’re getting in your own way.

2. Challenge Your Inner Critic (THIS IS A MUST)
Catch those negative thoughts and ask: Is this true, or just fear talking?
Try reframing: “I always mess this up” → “I’m still learning how to handle this.”

3. Set Small, Real Goals
Instead of “I’ll get my life together this week,” try “I’ll clean my room and send two emails.” Momentum > perfection.

4. Get Support
Therapy helps. Especially CBT, SFT or trauma-informed therapy.

For those of you interested in the research, scroll to the bottom to find a list of intriguing peer-reviewed material.

Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human. We all have moments where our fears talk louder than our goals.

The goal isn’t to never self-sabotage again. It’s to recognize it faster, treat yourself with compassion and make choices that move you closer to what you actually want.

Remember: you’re not lazy, unmotivated or hopeless…you’re just learning how to stop being at war with yourself.

Best of luck reframing this week!

Ronelle

This section is for the academically- curious:

Here are a few peer-reviewed and experimental studies

1. Berglas & Jones (1978): The Classic Self-Handicapping Experiment

This foundational study revealed that people often engage in self-sabotaging behaviors to protect their self-esteem. Self-sabotage can serve as a self-protective mechanism against perceived failure.

2. Relationship Sabotage Scale Study (PMC, 2021)

This psychometric validation study introduced the Relationship Sabotage Scale, connecting sabotaging relationship behaviors to insecure attachment and avoidance patterns. Attachment insecurity is a strong predictor of relational self-sabotage, driven by fear of rejection and vulnerability.

3. Slade (2020): Self-Sabotage in Romantic Relationships

This study explored the emotional patterns behind relationship sabotage, highlighting fear of rejection and feelings of inadequacy as primary psychological drivers. Early attachment wounds and low self-worth predict repetitive sabotaging patterns in intimate relationships.

4. UNSW (2025): “Knowing Better, Doing Worse”

Recent neuroscience research from the University of New South Wales examined why people persist in harmful habits despite being aware of them. Findings showed that habitual self-sabotage is tied to disrupted feedback learning in the brain’s reward circuitry.

In summary, self-sabotage is rooted in: